Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Big is bountiful

I’ve been reading a curiously defensive opinion piece written by a 25-stone prostitute. This anonymous call girl is upset that fat women never get kissed in films and TV shows, the implication being that no one wants to have sex with them. Given that men actually pay her for sex, she finds this supposition grossly insulting.

She insists that a woman of her size can do things for a man that the slimmer wench cannot. For example, her clients often ask her to assume positions in which they are crushed, smothered or otherwise compressed by her wobbly flesh. For some men, this is achieved by straight sex in the cowgirl position. Others require her to walk over their bodies in stiletto heels, which she can do without inflicting lethal injuries. The most common request she receives, however, is to sit on a client’s face:

“Men would want to lie under my glorious bottom for hours, doing what men do when they’re under a glorious bottom for hours,” she declared.

(In actual fact I’m not sure what men do do in that situation, but I don’t think it’s a critical issue at this juncture.)

When a number of her clients grew beards during the “Movember” challenge, she temporally withdrew the face-sitting service to prevent her lady parts getting scratched:

“It’s like sitting on a hedgehog that’s swallowed a football,” she explained.

After sharing this information with us, she insists that fat women can and do have amazing sex lives. Their coochies are not cavernous or bucket-like, as some people apparently believe:

“We are not to be pitied. We are not desperate and our genitals are no different to anyone else’s. If you think a vagina can be any bigger because of someone’s size, you have to equate that to every other one of their internal organs – which means I must have a brain twice as big as yours!”

I think it’s fair to conclude that Ms Anonymous Fat Hooker has a sizeable chip on her shoulder, but that doesn’t mean her assertions are untrue. Personally, I’ve never doubted that fat women have great sex lives. There are plenty of chubby-chasers out there to keep them satisfied, and they aren’t too dainty to enjoy a good shafting.

Nevertheless, I don’t approve of humans who are proud of carrying blubber that would befit a walrus. Homo Sapiens, let’s not forget, evolved as a fleet-footed hunter-gatherer on the African plains. There are no lard-butts among the Masai, whose colloquial term for fat humans is “lion food”. If you can’t keep up with the livestock, you’re less valuable than a cow and more vulnerable than a goat.

Instead of boasting about her sex life, Ms Tarty-Puff should get herself a hula-hoop and starting exercising that glorious bottom of hers. I would also recommend the gorilla diet of fresh salad and insects. If she loses a few hundred pounds, she might stop resenting all those slender models and actresses who hog the limelight. 

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OK, as a big beautiful woman (but not as big as the women in your pix), I can see where the writer is coming from. back in my dating days, I never had a problem finding guys. and my spouse didn't find me to be a turn-off.

in the past year, I have lost 35 pounds and I intend to keep going down (hee hee hee).
Models are few and far between. Most women have a little extra meat on their bones. It makes them a little more comfortable to hold when they don't have any sharp edges. But I'm not all that fussy if they are interesting and fun.
A cheeky business, perhaps.
Who refers to their bottom as 'glorious?' That seems egomaniacal to me. Was the gif necessary? It's early here.
I'm a big woman and back before I met my hubby, I didn't have a problem finding someone to date or have sex with. There are indeed men out there that prefer larger women. If you're happy with yourself, others shouldn't push you to lose weight if that's not what you want to do.
I agree with all your points, Mr. Gorilla Bananas but are you gonna tell her? She might sit on your face and render you helpless. However, I guess a hairy ape if more irritating to a cavernous coochie than a hedgehog that's swallowed a football.
Anne Marie: That's good news, Anne Marie, but didn't you say that self-love was the best love? :)

Jono: Yes, a man could easily injure himself on a boney-assed model. Meat on the bones is essential for safe sex.

Pop Tart: A butt-cheeky business, to be specific.

Exile: The only good fat-ass-face-sitting picture I could find was a gif. So sue me.

Mary: Thank for you confirming my theory, Mary. Do you think bigger ladies enjoy it more?

Jules: I would be surprised but not helpless, Jules. We hairy apes are resourceful in a crisis. :)
I actually agree with you on this one GB-- she could stand to lose a few pounds but to say fat women are never kissed on TV shows or movies? Hmm......perhaps this chubby prostitute is not familiar with the CBS comedy show 'Mike & Molly' starring comedian Melissa McCarthy who also appeared in the movie SPY with Jude Law. She is an overweight actress who has been kissed on TV & in the movies.

Well, I'm just going to have to take this post into the bathroom with me.
Mrs. Penwasser's away for the weekend, you know.
If being grossed out by these images makes me a judgemental prude, I'm good with that, GB. I'm glad Al Penwasser, though, is utilizing the information in an upstanding way.
Ya gotta hand it to me.
Rather, I gotta hand it to me.
Cocaine Princess: I'm not sure a 25-stone prostitute would consider Melissa McCarthy to be fat, Miss Princess. But thank you for pointing out her error!

Al: Now you know very well you can find better porn than that on the web. Playing the innocent isn't going to work here!

Robyn: You're perfectly entitled to be grossed out, Robyn! The gif is intended for scientific study.

Al: Or even "She's gotta hand it to me". Let's cover all the pronouns, here!
With real love, it matters not if the woman is a rack of bones or is plump in the fashion of the woman in your photos.... love will make the copulatory act pleasant for both the male and female.

As for this lady's comment about beards and moustaches, my experience with my wife suggests a flaw in her porcupine/hedgehog analogy. When I nurse upon my wife's clitoris, she tells me that she never wants me to shave my beard or moustache (she has never seen me without said, by the way as I have worn said continually since I was a young lad of 19, many, many decades ago). She says that my beard and moustache add hundreds and hundreds of additional tactile sensations as I suckle and nurse upon her, which she finds quite arousing. Perhaps the fellows who were doing similarly with this woman were simply scruffy with stubble. A full beard would not feel akin to a porcupine, a full beard and moustache would be softer and more luxuriant in the stimuli it provides.
Your wife is the finest of ladies, Professor. Do you think she might have acquired a taste for your face bush grazing her nether regions?
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