Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Childhood innocence

A school in Sweden is planning to install a musical toilet for its students. On glancing at the relevant news report, I assumed they were doing it to help constipated children evacuate their bowels. My old circus buddy, Smacker Ramrod, told me how listening to Mozart or Perry Como would relax his sphincter and loosen the granite-like dung clogging up his innards. Given that human kiddies are notorious for not eating their veggies and detesting fibre-rich food, it’s highly plausible that many of them face a life-or-death struggle when attempting to eject their faecal waste. If music can help them poop it out, so much the better.

Yet on studying the news report more carefully, it soon became apparent that constipation was not the problem that inspired this innovation. The purpose of the music, in fact, is to drown out any noises made by the toilet-user. It seems that Swedish children are incredibly embarrassed about the sounds they make and don’t want anyone outside the toilet to hear them. I must say I find this quite astonishing. The human children I encountered in my circus days loved making lavatory noises, which they frequently imitated by sticking out their tongues and blowing. The sound of an authentic fart invariably produced great merriment among them. I have no doubt they would have despised the musical toilet as device for weaklings and cry-babies.

Have human children really changed so much since the days I used to associate with them? Or is there a particular problem with Swedish children, who may have been taught that farting is shameful? There’s a big difference, of course, between getting laughs for an imitation fart and getting laughed at for a real one. But I don’t believe children are born with an embarrassment about breaking wind. This can only be a complex giving to them by adults. I should imagine politically correct Swedish parents are giving their children hard stares and forcing them to apologise for their flatulence. This will be very damaging in the long run. A nation that is ashamed of its farts is a nation of sissies.

If I were a schoolteacher in Sweden, I would tell the children that big animals don’t care about the noises they make when they go to the bathroom. I’ve laughed at elephants shitting, I’ve laughed at hippos shitting, and d’ya know what? They never even looked in my direction. That’s what it means to be a big beast. You do whatever you want and don’t worry about the audience reaction. No amount of cackling and hooting is going to make an elephant feel embarrassed.

Anyone who stands outside a toilet hoping to hear amusing noises is an idiot and a buffoon. That’s really scraping the barrel for cheap laughs. Why go to the trouble of making a musical toilet to thwart such people? You may as well make a toilet that makes continuous fart noises to drown out the sound of fart noises. That, I admit, would be pretty funny.

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First? Really? That's a first.

Do you guys have Poo-Pourri in the jungle? There's a problem emanating from the commode and it's not the sounds. Poo-Pourri takes care of that. Look into it. You're welcome.
While the expression of gas is a natural occurance, I admit feeling embarrassment when I have a release that is audible. I also felt that way when I was a kid, so I do somewhat understand the Sweedish kids predicament.

But as I have gotten grey, I find myself somewhat more accepting of this aspect of myself. I do try to the best of my abilility to have my audible versions (which unfortunately mimic a low note from a tuba) in the stall of a restroom whenever possible. The still troubling aspect is to try to have a silent release when necessary. It takes careful effort and planning and does often fail. The hardest to control are when I am running. Running is hard enough that trying to regulate a sphincter to release silently is beyond my capabilities most days.
I am with Pipe Tobacco on this. It is a sign of good health and means the bowels are functioning properly. Everyone does it and there should be no shame.

As long as my horses are ripping them out on a regular basis I know that I won't need to call a veterinarian any time soon. If we all attempt to control our farts and turn them into something musical it could add entertainment we so desperately seem to need.
Maybe they can learn to fart in tune to the deep moan of a cello or become anal flautists. Future orchestras will be cowed down to for their musical brilliance and the world will no longer see shame in flatulence.
Have I told you Gorilla that your windsong stays on my mind?
I'm wondering what tunes are loud enough to drown out toileting sounds. Maybe Ozzie Osbourne. Or maybe Miley Cyrus' Wrecking Ball. What do you think, GB?
Well that's interesting. Kids are embarrassed by the noises. lol I'm sorry, that's funny.
I second pipe tobacco. let 'em rip and stink in private, but try to minimize it in public.
Exile: Deodorants like Poo Pourri aren't required for outdoor pooping. The smell is ecologically necessary to attract the flies.

Pipe Tobacco: Farting in the open air is no cause for shame, Professor. I would advise you to maximise the volume of your emissions when you are running, to warn other pedestrians. It would be like a driver tooting his horn.

Jono: Fart music is a nice idea, but I don't know whether anyone has successfully used their rectum as a wind instrument. This needs looking into.

Jules: Some children do have musical talent, Jules. Maybe they could be taught to fart in tune if training starts at an early age.

Mistress Maddie: Thanks for letting me know, Mistress! (I hope it's a good thing!)

Robyn: Is Miley suitable for children, Robyn? I think even Tubular Bells would do the job if the volume were loud enough. :)

Mary: Yes, it's funny! Do you think children have changed, Mary?

Anne Marie: What if they're in a cubicle with people outside? Is that public or private?
Well, so much for...
"Beans, beans, the magical fruit.
The more you eat 'em, the better you toot."

make bowel movements great again!
Al: Can tooting be made better? I don't even know what a good toot is!

Billy: Yeah, America hasn't had a good shit since the Reagan presidency.
The public toilets in Swedish schools are basically closets right up against the hallway, with just a thin little door between you and the general public. It is embarrassing. I was an exchange student, and I did my best to hold it all day! They need to play the music because their privacy considerations are terrible.

In the U.S, the toilet is in a a large room with other toilets, separated by partitions. You hear everyone peeing, but everyone is there to pee and poop. You don't hear it in the classroom or the hall. So, we don't need music.
Thanks for that information. The Swedes clearly have a lot to learn on WC design. They ought to be at the end of a corridor with a big thick door!
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